Sunday, July 13

Stunner: R&A Moves British Open to Milwaukee

IN AN UNPRECEDENTED ACTION by The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, the British Open will be contested this week in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an R&A official told ARMCHAIR GOLF why the world’s oldest golf championship will be played for the first time on American soil.

Q: Can you explain this last-minute decision to move The Open Championship to Milwaukee?

R&A OFFICIAL:
It is really quite simple. Kenny Perry is the hottest player in golf at the present time, and everyone agrees that Mr. Perry should be playing in The Open Championship. However, as Mr. Perry has explained often in recent weeks, he is firmly committed to playing in Milwaukee this week. So, you see, there was only one solution.

Q: But it’s the British Open.


R&A OFFICIAL: Yes, you are quite right. I won’t deny that it was a terribly difficult decision, but it was one we thought was in the best interest of golf. With Tiger Woods out of action, it is imperative that The Open Championship have the best-possible field. At this point in the current golf season, that would include Kenny Perry.

Q: So the Open will be contested in Milwaukee.


R&A OFFICIAL:
Milwaukee, yes.

Q: At Brown Deer Park?


R&A OFFICIAL: At Brown Deer Park, site of the U.S. Bank Championship in which Kenny Perry is entered.

Q: What does Kenny Perry think?


R&A OFFICIAL:
Knowing how principled Mr. Perry is and how strongly he feels about playing in the U.S. Bank Championship, we have decided not to inform him until after the conclusion of the Open. We are asking for cooperation from all golf fans, players, sponsors and the media to keep it under wraps.

Q: Speaking of players, this can’t be a very popular decision with UK and European players? What are you telling them?


R&A OFFICIAL:
That they will gain six hours.

Q: Is that it?


R&A OFFICIAL:
And that Milwaukee is famous for beer.

Q: What about all the golf fans who planned to attend the Open at Royal Birkdale?


R&A OFFICIAL:
We hope they will understand. If all goes as expected, The Open Championship will return to Great Britain next summer.

Q: And if Kenny Perry wins?


R&A OFFICIAL: We will present Mr. Perry the Claret Jug and hope for the best.

Q: Oh, I almost forgot. Where is this week’s U.S. Bank Championship being played?

R&A OFFICIAL:
Fargo.

Q: Thank you for your time.


R&A OFFICIAL:
My pleasure.

(This is an ARMCHAIR GOLF spoof.)

6 comments :

Nick said...

You are the master of spoofs! Keep up the good writing, and I'll keep on enjoying coming over and reading. L8R

Lancer said...

Good stuff....

Miranda said...

Very Clever :)

Steve Wozeniak, PGA Golf Instructor said...

Actually the spoofs are horrid after the first............... please stop!!!

Bobbio said...

Do you suppose they'll notice then that I've moved my regular Sunday foursome to Royal Birkdale?

Rob Turner said...

Ha! That was one of the best pieces I have read in a while. The best part of course had to be the bit about the R&A official’s explanation to the European Players- They will gain six hours and Milwaukee is famous for beer!!

Surely that ought to justify moving the open to American soil. I am still quite perplexed by Kenny Perry’s decision to skip The Open and I find it really had to believe that it was purely because he had already committed to the tournament in Milwaukee. If that be the case then it good on you Mr Perry but surely even the folks at Milwaukee would rather see you win at Royal Birkdale, than a victory in what can only be considered a second rung tournament at a time when one of the major championships is being played.