IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, Sandy Lie spoke to ARMCHAIR GOLF about the bizarre ending to the 92nd PGA Championship.
Q: What did you make of the controversial ruling involving Dustin Johnson?
SANDY LIE: That’s golf. It can ruin your life. It has mine.
Q: Can you elaborate?
SANDY LIE: The game is run by people obsessed with arcane rules and played on alien landscapes designed by men who like to push massive amounts of dirt around and shovel me into odd-shaped holes of all sizes. Look, I feel sorry for Dustin Johnson, but he chose to be on the golf course. I sure didn’t.
Q: How has golf harmed you?
SANDY LIE: You mean, besides not knowing who or what I am? Everywhere else in the world I’m just Sandy, but in golf they’ve put all kinds of crazy labels and definitions on me. Two words: identity crisis. The players don’t even read the rules. They admitted it on TV! What kind of game is that?
Q: What do you think of Whistling Straits?
SANDY LIE: Don’t get me started.
Q: How about Pete Dye?
SANDY LIE: I wish he’d leave me the hell alone. I’ll bet he never got to play in a sandbox growing up.
Q: So how do you deal with it?
SANDY LIE: I’m in therapy.
Q: How’s that going?
SANDY LIE: I make some progress, then something like Whis … Whis … Whis… sorry, I can’t say the words. Then I regress. It’s a process.
Q: Do you think Dustin Johnson got a raw deal?
SANDY LIE: Hey, did you hear the PGA has a new headliner at their Las Vegas show this week?
Q: No. Who?
SANDY LIE: The Blue Dot Men Group.
Q: Pretty funny.
SANDY LIE: Thanks. Saw it online today. I don’t what it means.
Q: Getting back to the Dustin Johnson thing, David Feherty said he, Feherty, didn’t know it was a bunker.
SANDY LIE: Who?
SANDY LIE: The burrowing animal?
Q: No, that’s a ferret. Nevermind.
SANDY LIE: Are we about done here?
Q: Pretty close. Do people get you mixed up with Sandy Lyle?
SANDY LIE: Our names are somewhat alike and we’re both involved in golf, but that’s where the similarities end.
Q: Sandy Lyle’s Masters victory was directly from a sandy lie on the 72nd hole. Coincidence?
SANDY LIE: You’re overreaching.
Q: Do you prefer to be raked or unraked?
SANDY LIE: This interview is over.
−The Armchair Golfer
(This is an ARMCHAIR GOLF spoof.)
(Image: rsutton 198/Flickr)