Friday, September 27

8 Naff Golf Cliches

By Kevin Markham

Copyright © Kevin Markham. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

GOLF HAS MORE CLICHES THAN YOU can shake a stick at. Some are naff, some are incredibly naff. Here are my top eight.

Beware if all 14 see action. (Kevin Markham)
 1. You'll use every club in the bag.
Used to describe a golf course. If you're rubbish then yes, you'll probably use every club in your bag ... and a shovel. If you're any good, you will be too focused to notice.

Naffness: 9/10

2. I left a few putts out there.
Ah, no you didn't. You finished every hole and you're standing here with a golf ball in your hand. Where did you leave the putts would you mind telling me?
Naffness: 7/10

3. Overall, I'm very happy with the way I played.
"Overall" is it! In other words, you're about to gripe about a couple of missed putts or a tree that jumped into the fairway ... which prevented you from, what, breaking 60?
Naffness: 6/10

4. I just wasn't able to play my game today.
Seriously! And whose game were you playing exactly!
Naffness: 7/10

5. It's on the dance floor.
No it's not. If it's on the 'dance floor' then you're in serious trouble and you'll be paying damages for the broken window.
Naffness: 7/10

6. Shaved the hole.
I'm not even going to go there. If you call missing the hole by six inches 'shaving' then you need glasses and a better barber.
Naffness: 9/10

90% air? (Kevin Markham)
7. Trees are 90% air.
You know and I know that if the ball's heading for a tree then it's hitting woodwork. Maybe it's Murphy's Law, Sod's Law or Darwin's Theory of Evolution, but trees were designed to be hazards on a golf course and they're damn good at doing their job. 90% air, my arse.
Naffness: 10/10

8. Keep your head down. You lifted your head.
The king of erroneous advice. It's the fallback, isn't it? Somebody fluffs a shot and someone else quips: 'you lifted your head'. I guess my response to that is: for exactly how long do you want me to keep my head down? Surely I have to come up for air sometime. Never give advice. Ever. Or someone else might start giving it to you.
Naffness: 9/10

Your turn. What are your best or worst golf cliches?

Kevin Markham is the author of Hooked: An Amateur's Guide to the Golf Courses of Ireland and writes about Irish golf courses and related topics at his blog.


Anonymous said...

ba-ba-booooooey! get in the hole!!! bite bite!!!! bite!!!!

John Matthew IV said...

"The golf course is all in front of you."

Not too often do you tee off with the course behind you!

Anonymous said...

Yes, well done.


Oneunder said...

Oh yeah, spoken and heard them all